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[04 May 2008|09:24pm] |
I'm in such a shitty mood..
I'm really.. I don't know what to say.
I don't know how they're handling it.. I'd be devastated. I can't even imagine such a thing.
I hate painkillers.. I hate doctors that hand them out, or don't watch what they're doing..
Ugh.
R.I.P. =/
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[17 Mar 2008|08:26am] |
My life seems to have lost it's flavor..
I don't know what it is..
Whether it's simple depression, or a culmination of the thoughts I've been having.
Just all of this is weighing down on me.
Back in school, I used to look forward to the weekends, used to live for them. I'd pass the time by, waiting for my chance to see my friends, to blossom, to live and be social with those I truly felt comfortable around.
I don't know..It's just I don't seem to have much to work toward lately. I hope this is only temporary, until I get into college, or something.
Ever since I started work..It sucked up so much time, I was so depressed with most of my life being devoted to do simple tasks for other people all day..
The reason I had work was the make money, right? About the only reason I had a job..
And money's just a form of..promises. A promise that I have done something, for someone, somewhere, and that someone should do something for me, in exchange for me having done something before?
I mow your lawn, you give me five dollars, I give the five dollars to someone to make me a sandwhich, out of something someone has baked, and butchered, and grown.
It's funny when you look at it like that.
So..What do I do with my life? Make money? The more money I get..the bigger station I have in life, the more I'll have to spend on it, the less the money will equal out to..
So I don't see much in looking for a higher 'station' in life..Except that it means I have more time to myself, rather then working..
So is that the big thing? Time is more important then money, right?
Time equals money..Time and Effort are what money stands for, aren't they?
So I work hard, devote time..into freeing up time later? Sounds fishy..
I've also found that I don't know what I want to be, and I'm afraid of what I am..
I'm afraid that in the past I've been callous, greedy, manipulative, without realizing it..It's hard to see what I'm doing from another point of view, when I get caught up in things..
And I feel entirely sorry for it.. But it's supposed to make me who I am, right?
And I get told that I am loved...That I'm a good person..But is it just welfare? Or sincere?
I've been feeling like I need something to work on..Like music, or a sculpture, some skill, or just.. something.
I wonder if I should devote this feeling to a person.. That's a form of love, right?
Treating someone like all those fairy tales, and love songs make relationships sound? But it's funny, how the biggest examples of love, can only be shown through strife and conflict.. Just holding someone forever doesn't look nearly as heroic as being there for them, when they find their way back from sojourn.
It's hard to think of life as just watching the moments go by..It makes one want to lay still, watch everything..suck on the seconds like candy, to live the longest..
I remember living in the minutes, the hours of the day.. But lately, I've felt it more in days, and weeks.
To me, Sex is no different then anything else.
If you have a book club, you get together and talk about books, right? A pen pal, you just write letters to each other, talk in a medium.
If you have someone, that you can only relate to on a passionate, and sexual level, it's just the same as everything else, in my opinion.. It just seems all messed up in other's views though, I don't get it. I'm not saying I'm an advocate of permiscuous sex, I'm just saying..to each his own, and relate how you can to other people. Everything's about interaction. You find it where you can get it..
Whether it's getting attention through yelling at each other, pushing each other's buttons..
Or just a simple nod of approval from a passerby.
I don't know what I'm saying..
If I've tried and talked to you about one thing, and you come up blank..And I try on another, and another, and they all pan out to nothing..and I finally hit a goldmine of something that you respond to, and interact with, something we have no problem communicating about or through..
And you decide to flip out on me, when all we talk about is that...Is it really my fault?
You don't make any point to change it, or try and help. You just condemn me, out of nowhere. I think it's unfair.
Also, I've decided if I'm ever in a about-to-die situation, like a falling plane, or something of the sort, and I've time to yell out..
I know just what I'll say.
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[11 Jan 2008|10:47am] |
Xoxo
<3
ilu
Go fuck yourself.
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[11 Jan 2008|10:43am] |
I want to rationalize you away. I want to tear you down, break you into little pieces..Realize how boring..How mediocre you are. How I'm not the slightest bit interested in you..
But I realize if I'm to rationalize you, I have to rationalize all of my friends..And they mean far too much for me to do that..It would make me feel like I'm degrading them..Make them feel less..
I hate this..
I hate the way you either think of me in the wrong light..Or don't think of me at all.
I'd prefer the latter if anything..
But with how much I've thought about you, how much I've showed you I cared, it'd only be fair for you to take a moment occasionally to atleast have a passing thought about me..
And just because I yearn for that, Does not make me clingy, or too attached or any of that bullshit.
Your just afraid of something.. Stop running away.
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[07 Jan 2008|02:25pm] |
I fucking hate people.
I'm grumpy right now. No one wants to talk.
I've got nicotine, and caffeine withdrawl. I'm anxious, and freaking out, and lightheaded, and restless, and I keep wanting to eat and drink. O_O AHHS!
But my original train of thought was..
I hate people.
The Rules of Attraction May Turn on Our Voices
by Sean Bowditch
Morning Edition, January 4, 2008 · Anthropologist Coren Apicella wanted to learn the role a person's voice plays in his or her attractiveness to potential mates. ~
~ Apicella found the women preferred the men with the lower voices.
And that paralleled another of her findings. The Hadza men with deeper voices also had more children than their squeaky counterparts. But she says voice alone probably doesn't explain that.
"Why there's this relationship, we're not entirely sure yet," Apicella said. "It could be that these men have greater access to mates. Maybe these men that have deeper voices have higher levels of testosterone. Or maybe they're better hunters and they're able to bring more food home to their wives."
Or maybe it's a 50/50 fucking chance.
"But surprisingly, the men said those same women wouldn't necessarily be the best food gatherers.
"We found that the men actually thought the women with the lower-pitched voice or the deeper voices were the better gatherers," Apicella said.
Still, psychologist Susan Hughes says this research suggests you can tell a great deal about a potential mate just from his or her voice.
"I think this study does speak to the fact that voices are signaling some biologically relevant information to potential mates," Hughes said — information like fertility or the ability to put food on the table.
But Hughes, a professor at Albright College in Pennsylvania, says it's unclear if men and women in all cultures would share the preferences of the Hadza."
....How? How can you...oaisodhi.
Your fucking cracked. >O Wtf. Did a teenager write this shit?
Deep sexy voice = Better hunter = Bettar husband. Haha. I make good decishuns.
Genocide. Plz. Plzzzz cleanse.
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| There was a hole here once, it's gone now. |
[30 Dec 2007|06:05am] |
I'd kill to be important to you.
I wish I was the one you thought about..The one you'd die for..
The one that burns in your blood.
I could always try and drift away..Show you that I don't come, without hard work..That I won't be here for you, if you don't care..
But what if I miss?
It hurts now..
But as with most things, given time, I'll get over it..
I'll stop caring, you'll be nothing.
On a lighter note, I'm in a pretty good mood tonight.
I'm updating my journal, because..I've a lack of anything else to do. And I needed to get that thought off my mind.
The house is still a mess =/ But I'm working on cleaning it. Tomorrow I should be feeling well enough to take care of alot of things.
Once I'm over my fever, I'll be able to go back to work, and look for a real job. e.e Yay.
I need reading material..I've been reading Catch 22 lately. It's a wonderful book, it really is. I love it to death, but it doesn't..Inspire me to read more. There's no real plot I'm searching through. It's more like a grand series of anecdotes, and comments on humankind rather then a story. Is very good though.
I'd read H.P. Lovecraft, but I'm not sure where to start...
I wish I could show my friends the things I read.. But few of them are interested, and much less willing to actually peruse anything I suggest. =/They'll listen to me explain it, atleast...So I can't complain. >.>
You ever decide someone just isn't worth your time? How long did it take for you to think such a thing? Was the person close, or distant from you?
Were they a friend once? Maybe a lover?
Or maybe just someone you met through someone else, once, at some thing.
It's weird, when someone calling themself your friend, assumes so many things about you.. Transforms you into this weird, creepy.. desire-driven construct of their imagination.
I'm tired of you pushing me away, actually. I'm tired of you acting like I'm a jerk. Tired of you avoiding me, then saying sweet things, and acting completely fine. I'm tired of you being disinterested in me, when I'm not convenient.
All I've ever done, was try to be your friend. I've cared for you, and been..punished? How can this be?
You say all you want, is happiness, someone to care for you. Your a liar. You like the game. You like drama.
So.. Fuck it. I'm done. You got me, I quit. Ciao.
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[25 Dec 2007|10:52pm] |
So earlier, in the shower, thinking to myself, I came to a level of thought..
I have alot of epiffanies in the shower. >.>
But..I dunno. I was thinking about how I've grown up, and life has always seemed to be about getting a good job, making alot of money, and using it on kids. To raise the next generation. You know, the natural prolonging of our species, right?
But it's not natural anymore..
It used to be, people just bonded, because they were there, they were practical. Nowaday's everyone is so..picky. So dramatic on the little things. They act like statues, carved and hard, rather then the maleable humans they are.
But.. Now we're getting overpopulated. It was wonderful before, when we had plenty of space to fill..
But wouldn't the natural evolution of things be to move to friends, enjoy our lives, less working on the next generation, more forwarding the current? People will still meet, and have children.. No need to fuel that fire in every person in the country..
And I think we are moving that way, slowly..But our views still seem clouded.
Love is love. Childbearing is another.
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[18 Dec 2007|01:15pm] |
I don't understand the difference between humans..
There are so many..Some must be alike.
So is love purely based on experience with that one person? Or could you just love a configuration of them?
You'd only go out for beers with a few people, right? Or would you go out with anyone that was entertaining enough..Anyone with pep, and charm, and that won't hurt you, or fuck anything up..?
Is sex and love the same way?
Love..You trust them enough not to be crazy, or negative, or hurt you, or to be there for you..But they feel the same way towards you?
Sex.. Why not have it with any human? Disease? Pregnancy? Ethics?
I'd understand why incest is taboo.. If one is to have a baby with one's gene pool, it would come out mutated..It also might cause seperation from general society, if one can find everything they need in their family.
But if you removed that...Birth control..You already have friends..Then would incest be okay? Why not? Because society told you it's wrong? Why did it tell you that? Mutation? Seperation?
So wouldn't this translate to alot of things?
If you had an art project with a friend..is it not similar to the trust, dedication of a relationship..trying to make something? A child? A future? It's just temporary, it lasts until the project is done..
Like mating between animals..
One raccoon only sticks around the other to make sure it's pregnant, it's job done..Then it goes back to whatever it does.. A simple life..do you think it thinks? Enjoys anything? Or is it a machine?
Much like the weather has no emotion, are animals the same way?
Two chemical compounds don't mix together because they love each other, only because they meet the requirments..they are a "match made in heaven."
...I can't stop thinking.
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| Tabula Rasa |
[18 Dec 2007|12:59pm] |
I've been so confused as of late..My mind is buzzing. I'm thinking too much..
I think I have a slight problem interacting with the world, and people..
I don't know what to be..I feel like a blank slate.
Completely versatile, maleable.
I can bend to any will, I can be anything, depending on what I fel, or what's needed.
I can be stern, or soft, vicious or benign.
And I'm having a very hard time picking which I want.
It's weird..Don't most people just go automatically? They have a predetermined sense of who they are?
A nature?
I was raised by the things around me..My mother was never around, I learned for myself..
I learned from the media, from experience.
The key to mankind moving forward is taking things for granted..You have to take that someone's already looked into everything you know, or you won't have time to make any headway, if your always doublechecking..
But again, this can lead to false beliefs, to mankind moving backward..
So do we need an underclass, always checking the things we think we know..writing them in stone for the upperclass to nod at, say "Oh, okay" or "I thought so." and then make their own..And the next lower class spends all their time proofreading and double checking that new information?
I don't know..
I can't decide when to give, and when to take.. I could do it so many ways..
I don't feel passions like other people..I don't think I feel love or joy the same way as other people.
I'm overjoyed just to live life..It's so exquisite, so interesting in itself..
Just looking at a tree is enjoyable enough..
No matter how I feel, it's an experience..It tells me I'm alive..
Sure, I'd pick some over others..
I'd pick smoking over nicfitting, but I don't mind nicfitting, because it's an experience, good or bad..
Is that weird? Am I different?
I'm so lost..
Or does everyone go through this, and I'm just looking at it a different way..Is this a more elaborate "Why am I here?"
I'm not looking for an awnser as to why I should live my life..
But I can't figure out how to live it..
So many options..But others look at them like they are good and bad..Like there is an alignment system..
Yelling - Minus five points.
Smiling, + Cumalitive .004 points
Ignoring a fault...
Trying to change the fault..
Giving in to the fault..
Never standing down..
I've no passion. It's missing, and I Need to find it.
Sure, I love alot of things..
I love computers..technology, science..
But I love life itself..Those are just the only things I've known..
Ive got interests in cars, just as much as a computer..
I like having friends just as much as enemys..It's someone paying attention to you, either way..
Your in their mind, in their memory, in their life..
Earlier today I Had a dream...
I networked hundreds of people..Started to bring them together..It was very strange..a small, high population living space..
And everything had a purpose, everything was running..
And I got contacted by a group..They told me what I was doing wasn't accepted..
The final thing they told me, was that no one wants to live in a perfect world..
So I ended up sitting in a room, by myself..Staring at a phone, with a built-in caller ID..
On the caller ID was an advertisement.. Dial 214, to join the contest. Win 1.5 Million dollars, today!
Soylent green is people. Neccessary horrors..But someone made up that these things are horrors..What if it's not actually that bad? Rational and practical even..
But we take the info we've been given at face value, we don't double check it. No time to.
What's the difference between good and bad..Your told what they are.. What is negative? Sadness? Without it, there would be no happiness, right?
Or is happiness the normal state, and sadness the abnormal..The wrong.
Maybe Sadness shouldn't exist. Everything should be happy..It should be based on logic, not emotion.
Like the animals we are..
When did we evolve into emotions?
Arn't they just chemical? What's the difference between two chemicals on a moral basis?
It's so confusing..But I think too much.
If I really enjoy life, I should just grin and bare it, nod my head..And just go with the flow.
But it's so hard. I feel so out of place. But that's teenage angst, isn't it?
Midlife crisis..
That kind of thing..Everyone's lost, right?
We all just kind of hide it.
Hard to find time to drift, when you've got work, school, myspace, and yoga in an hour.
That's what enjoyable pass times are, huh? Ignoring the void?
But does anyone stop to think about the fact that that is what they are? Or do they never see it?
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[07 Dec 2007|07:20am] |
>.>
I noticed some females keep male attachments, for the only purpose of having someone to talk to. Who will listen and comfort them. They'll say they are close to them, care for them, etc, but not enough to be in a relationship with them.. They'll go through their phone when they are bored/lonely/upset, just to find one who will listen..
Some males keep female attachments, for the only purpose of having someone to have sex with.. Who will hold, kiss, please them.. They'll say they love them, care for them.. But not enough to be in a relationship with them. They'll go through their phone when they are bored, lonely or horny, looking for someone to fuck.
Hm.
This is why I hate sex..There's that..special aura around it. I wish people saw it for what it is..
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[06 Dec 2007|12:10pm] |
I don't like to be right.
I like to see the truth.
I will ask questions, and twist and turn, to see the whole thing.
I won't look at one side, and I will refuse to not turn it over.
You don't notice an hourglass rolls, until you turn it on it's side..
Socrates was the same way..
He didn't care to be right, as long as he found out what was right.. As long as he talked about it, shared his thoughts, learned what others thought. It's a joining of information, and ideas. Not an argument, not a game to be won.
You put together all the pieces, and it becomes an artwork of knowledge, bits of wisdom, anecdotes, correlations.
Abstract ideas..Non linear thinking. These are important.
Do you understand how sharing nude pictures of one's self is a basic form of sex?
Transfered between two individuals.. Revealing, trusting.. Enticing, erotic. Genitals, and self-pleasure.
Or even how Light is one of the most enjoyed pleasures immaginable. It's a sense that's constantly indulged.. It's just dull..
But normal light, is like eating the most interesting and fascinating food, or the most exhilirating music.
I also wonder why sugar and salt are so popular..They're basic electrolytes, so I understand why people would crave them..Important to hydration, a body craves what it needs.
But then most people don't seek out basic tastes..They eat cake, not bread..
They look for sweetness, rather then complex flavors like yeast..
It's an interesting taste to indulge occasionally, to mix up food that is bland, or sour.. As is the case with desert..
But candys everyday? Soda the only thing you drink?
I've been focusing on indulging different senses lately, rather then living in the popular "I'm going to be something big" ideal, or "What's my purpose" kind of sense..
I'm not going to live forever.. But when I die, I'll know I savored every touch, sight, breath.. Atleast, I hope I do.
I dunno..My mind's buzzing at the moment.
Swim swim swim.
Children will be interesting in the coming years.. Raised by teenagers and older matrons alike.
The matriarchs will be our parents, already bitter to the world, or even cracked open, from the new age.
Cartoons arn't nearly the same. Looney tunes is now My Gym Partner is a Monkey.
Adult TV is even stranger..The themes are darker.. Sexuality is completely open. Gay's are normal, they're everywhere. Hell, you might be one, little guy.
They'll listen to our music in the car, rather then the stuff we used to.
Remember where we learned of Queen? The Rolling Stones? Pink Floyd? Our parents' popular bands..
Our's will be Tool, Avenged Sevenfold, Ludacris..
It'll be fascinating, to say the least.
Maybe even horrifying.
Geeks have been ruled out, they're no longer an underclass, they're one of the ruling classes.
Technology is everywhere. So..Where will the seperation be in schools and adolescants?
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| Cold morning. |
[06 Dec 2007|11:55am] |
What's the first thing you think of, when you think about having a relationship with someone?
One of the first few things you consider, before the idea of Relationship-able comes into play?
Whether you can kiss them, hold them..?
Have sex with them?
Whether they will be there for you, when you need them..
Or if they make you laugh.
If they make your heart go bum-bum-bum? Maybe even that they are just fun.
They're strong, courageous, funny, intelligent? Charming? A pleasure?
Or whether they'll stick around, as long as you will.
There's a thin line between girlfriend, boyfriend, and best friend.
But so many people say "I just see them as a friend"
Does that mean they don't meet requirments? Why not tell them what they could do? Maybe they'd change it, just to make you happy. Maybe they don't even realize they do something.
No one ever sees all of a person. Ever. We all refine what we do around each other. What if we decide to filter something out, that you'd find outstanding? We just don't know it.
Hell, what if we just want to make you happy? And we'd like you to pay more attention to us, then you do some asshole who does a worse job. But we're only friends.
But you kiss friends..Have sex with friends. You cry with them sometimes. You hold their hand when they are down.
But your girlfriend..You show her..what? Dedication? But what of a good friend? Do you stab them in the back, occasionally? Not share your secrets with them?
What about friends who ascend, past the level of normal..
Like driftwood, that gets tied together, rather then two pieces caught on a rock..One nudge able to dislodge the other, so one's careful of how one moves.
What do we call them? The ones that know good things about us, and like us for it..
And know bad things about us, and love us for it?
Is it something else? Like how one has a favorite soda, they rarely dither from? Or a special shop they always frequent? But why stop visiting other shops?
Why not conglomerate them, into a mall?
Dedication must be key..People devote their lives to it. They pour themselves into other people..They trade habits..Live together, join lips. Share food, quarters, etc. But then again, so do friends.
Does a relationship give them a free pass into what it's like, to be a close-friend?
A trial of sorts? But what about long-term relationships?
Well..For some people I've seen, they transform into close-friends. They decide to split, but still stay in each other's life. You can't leave someone you devoted so much time into, so easily. It's like them dying.
So is a relationship basic recruitment?
Or is it something else..There's that extreme level of dedication. Of tying yourself to them.. Most waking moments experienced with them..So much that your arguments get pointed at them, rather then the annoyances that they should be aimed at.
You squawk, and squable, and you hug and comfort.. Is it a game? Just..variation to avoid boredom? A song to pass the time?
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[03 Dec 2006|06:36am] |
I almost forgot your face..
Your eyes.
That feeling.
And I wonder if you've forgotten mine.
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[19 Nov 2006|10:22pm] |
This won't be easy, by any measure.
I've got to tell you how I feel, because I'm not sure if you know.
"You were closer to me, then you ever would have known."
I love so much about you..Your faults, bring balance, and I appreciate them for that.
I'm not going to lie..
You arn't THE sweetest, kindest, most beautiful person..I'd never expect, much less ask you to be.
I love you for who you are.
You think I'd pick her over you?
Your wrong..
I'm sorry it seemed that way.
I know I've broken things..I'm guilty, and I'm coming to terms with that.
Though, I admit it's hard.
Knowing that you'll never be pure again..That you arn't the great person you thought you were.
I'm scarred.
But..I'll tell you everything.
I don't care if you want to hear it or not..
I won't hold anything back, the good and the bad.
Or.
Should we just start over..?
Not from the beginning but..From a new side.
Though, that doesn't sound wise.
Just safe.
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| Lots |
[16 Oct 2006|05:27am] |
Two people won't get out of my mind.
I can't stop thinking about them..
One I think about every night it seems..
Even though I feel like they couldn't care less.
And another..She keeps popping in, no matter what I'm doing.
It's kind of distracting, and a little distressing.
Especially since I can't talk to her much, so I can't get all my thoughts out.
They both have huge places in my heart..
But.. I don't know.
I've got a mission though.
I'll succeed. I know it.
I just hope they appreciate it.. I'm doing it all for them.
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[02 Sep 2006|04:51pm] |
I've come to the realization that I have a hard time trusting almost everyone right now..
Only one..No..Two, people, I can truly say I trust fully.
It's not my choice or anything..
I mean, when you have alot of thoughts, and certaintys in your head shattered, by someone who you were sure never would.
It's kind of hard not to question everyone else..
And, Supplementary, friend's treating me worse, not caring, or just generally not trying..
I can't help but eye every other friend I have..
And It's terrible.
I have to stop thinking about all this.
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| Okay.. |
[24 Aug 2006|03:30am] |
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So I stayed up late.. Reading this whole journal of mine..
Spent a while on it..Contemplated every entry.. Remembering most of the moments..the feelings, the experiences..
That's what it's for, right?
A few I couldn't recall. Some didn't come very easily, others not at all.
Also, tonight I listened to a friend's history...And some of his problems..
I didn't once think about anything bothering me now.. Not my sickness, not my fever, not my own emotional problems..
*Shrugs* I've kind of come to some realizations as to what I must do..
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| Ugh. |
[02 Mar 2006|01:31pm] |
My head's swimming..with thoughts about an old friend.
I don't know.. We used to be real close, but then something happened..And we've drifted apart.
She's seemed very disinterested in me for a while anyway. And I can't help but feel it's something I did.
I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I'm overreacting, but maybe that's just how much she means to me.
I'm not sure about any of it. There's not much I can do but tell her how I feel..but I really doubt that'll help, it'll probably just seem overbearing and awkward.
Or should I just let go..Try and forget about it, as someone who once was in my heart fades from my life?
Mm..Enough being sappy..
Ciao for now.
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| The Republic |
[05 Jan 2006|10:33am] |
"But what if I give you an awnser about justice other and better, he said, than any of these? What do you deserve to have done to you?"
"Done to me! - as becomes the ignorant, I must learn from the wise - that is what I deserve to have done to me."
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| The search! |
[02 Jan 2006|04:45am] |
Okay..I got a call earlier today, telling me there were seven Xbox 360's at Wal-Mart. I quickly make my way there, to have a callous man tell me No, we don't have any.
I check Lay-a-way. They had them, but they were on hold by the managers..Why? Something was going on, but they didn't know.
Damn. Damnit!
I call the next wal-mart, where I had tried earlier in the day to no avail.
Apparently they had TEN. O.o Wtf?
So I go there..Finally get a chance to ask..And yes! They had plenty!
So now I have a pretty green box, waiting in Lay-away for me, until my mother's next paycheck. Score.
Touchdown. Etc.
Now all I need is..A game. o.o; Heh..
I've got two weeks..or maybe four, to get one. x.X
Anyway, just updating. I'm still alive..
Kris is here with me.. I must wash clothes..
It's a new year.. New experiences.. Hope I don't die. >.>
Ciao for now.
THREE SITTY!!! O_O
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